Happy Christmas to all. As we all know on 25th December Christianity commemorate the birth of Jesus. Our team has collected a huge collection of Christmas Jokes for our valuable users to keep them smiling on this great occassion, You can use these Jokes as Christmas SMS also to wish your loved once via text messages. Enjoy your stay here and have fun!
Doctors are the heroes of every society. They play a vital role in societies and give a crucial end to make the society more strong and healthy. A detailed research has shown that no society can develop without having some medical experts like doctors. As every body knows that fun and humour can never end and no body could save himself being victim of it. So Doctor Jokes also provides a good source of humour. For this concern, we have made a distinct category of Doctor Jokes. You will found here jokes about doctor, funny doctor jokes, short doctor jokes, doctors jokes, doctor doctor jokes, best doctor jokes, dirty doctor jokes, clean doctor jokes, good doctor jokes, eye doctor jokes, doctor jokes one liners and doctor jokes for kids. We have also managed to deliver you daily Doctor Joke of the day. Must check out!!
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest‘s sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
“Pastor Lewis,“ he said, “That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don‘t start your sermon with, “Fellow Goyim“
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
“Give me the box of matches” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms…”No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match….
And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”
“It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But – we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars.”
He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and….. nothing happens.
“Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?”
The leader of the Martians says, “Today is Shabbos!”
Mama goes shopping and scrutinizes everything. Here is how her shopping went..
Mama: “I don’t like the looks of this whitefish.”
Merchant: “Lady, for looks you don’t buy whitefish; you buy goldfish.”
Mama: “Oy, and this chicken, it has a broken leg.”
Merchant: “Look lady, you gonna eat it or dance with it?”
Mama: “And before you weigh the meat, take out the bones.”
Merchant: “Lady, I buy with bones; you’ll buy with bones.”
Mama: “I don’t pay with bones.”
Merchant: “All right, no bones.”
Mama: “Thank you, you are a gentleman. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. And never mind the meat. I don’t like your meat anyhow.”
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”
The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”
She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”
There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.
The other guy says i didnt…..I FARTED!
A lonely man is browsing the pet ads in his local paper looking for a pet. He comes accross an advert for an intelligent,adorable golden labrador free to good home. He calls the number and arranges to go and see the dog.
He arrives at the house and a man lets him in.
The man asks the owner “Does the dog have a pedigree ?”.
The owner replies “Ask him”.
“Ask him. Don’t be ridiculous”.
“Ask him. He’s in the kitchen”.
The man enters the kitchen, and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden labrador.
Feeling a bit silly the man asks the the dog “Do have a pedigree ?”
To his astonishment, the dog replies.”Yes I have a pedigree I’m KC registered, both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts”. He continues “I worked for Customs & Excise at Heathrow airport, and I’ve been in several films and TV ads”.
Amazed the man says to the owner “What a great dog, he talks and he’s been a top sniffer dog, I don’t understand – why you want to give away such a brilliant dog ?”
The owner replies “I’m sick of his fuckin” lies”.
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said “I’m going to take a shower and the little girl said “Oh, can I take a shower with you?” and the babysiter said ” Uh, O.K. Just don’t look down.”
When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said “What’s that?”
The guy said “Um, it’s a ruber ducky” and the girl says “O.K.”
Then the babysiter said “I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep.” and the girl says “Can I go to sleep with you?” and the guy says “Um, O.K. Just don’t look under the covers.”
So when they’re in the bed there’s a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says “Can I play with your rubber ducky because I’m scared” and the guy says ” Uh, O.K.” and he falls asleep.
The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl “What Happened” and the little girl says”The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it’s head off.”
Be very proud to be British Because:
Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain… do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain… do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain… do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain… are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION…
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally………
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
“Mister, I’m scared! These woods are really creepy.”
The pedophile replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself.”