Happy Christmas to all. As we all know on 25th December Christianity commemorate the birth of Jesus. Our team has collected a huge collection of Christmas Jokes for our valuable users to keep them smiling on this great occassion, You can use these Jokes as Christmas SMS also to wish your loved once via text messages. Enjoy your stay here and have fun!
tree.autumnBefore science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, ‘what are you supposed to say sweetheart?’
The little girl looks up at the woman and says ‘Twick or Tweat!’
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, ‘Go ahead honey say it just one more time.’
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, ‘Twick or Tweat!’
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, ‘Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!’
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, “Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?”Santa replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.””How?” asks the man, puzzled.”Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris‘ PC will crash.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn‘t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris‘ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn‘t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?“ It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.“
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris‘ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he‘s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris doesn‘t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
It Irish time in the city
St patricks day were getting shitty
Irish car bombs with celtic songs
we drink till u sing it with me
A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he’s made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last
compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what’s been going on. The TC, which also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar “I’m
sorry, I can’t do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member”.
There is a new “Find Chuck” book. His face is in the middle of everypage, but you don’t dare find him, out of sheer terror os being round house kicked in the face.
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
Christmas jokes. Why is the angel on top of the tree?
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Santa walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you‘ve got.“
He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he‘s going to cut the guy off.
Bartender says to Santa, “Hey, what‘s wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?“
Santa sighs and says, “Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn‘t going to speak to me for a whole month!“
The bartender, puzzled, says, “Well, what‘s wrong with that?“
Chuck Norris‘ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he…