Happy Christmas to all. As we all know on 25th December Christianity commemorate the birth of Jesus. Our team has collected a huge collection of Christmas Jokes for our valuable users to keep them smiling on this great occassion, You can use these Jokes as Christmas SMS also to wish your loved once via text messages. Enjoy your stay here and have fun!
It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”
Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”
“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.
So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”
Brunette: Today is my niece’s birthday. Do you wanna come to her party?
Blonde: What day is today?
Brunette: January 11.
Blonde: Oh I’m sorry for your niece.
Brunette: What, why?
Blonde: Since her birthday is in January, she has to wait a whole year til her next birthday.
Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don‘t know, but you‘d better hope he likes it!
It was Grandpa Jones 100th birthday and he was still in
It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained ‘I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.’ ‘How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?’ we asked. ‘It’s simple’ he said. ‘When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.’
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, ‘So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?’
Oh Mom, replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .’
‘Honey,’ Mom complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.’
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States
The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Mom says proudly, ‘Her brother is a doctor.’
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Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, “Don’t you realize that this is a Christian country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, “Hymie, look who’s trying to teach us Marketing.”
Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Sid,” asked Mundo, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”
I don’t know,” Mundo replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Mundo asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Mundo asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”
Bennie, carrying a load of sticks, became tired. He sat down on a bank, and laid his sticks on the ground. Then he said, “I am sick and tired of this. I wish death would come to relieve me.”
Instantly, Death (Abaddon) appeared beside him and said, “Here am I. What do you want of me?”
“I want you to help me put this bundle of sticks on my back again” said the astonished fellow.
George Bush is surrounded by his most trusted advisors when he asks “How do the Jews know everything first?”
Nobody can answer his question but one aide suggests he speaks with Henry Kissinger.
He calls him on the phone.
“Henry, Mr. President here, tell me as one of the Chosen People how do the Jews always know everything first?”
Kissinger replies, “I don’t know Mr. President but if you really want to find out I think you need to infiltrate their Orthodox community, become one of them and gain their confidence. Then you might discover how they do it.”
Bush decides to take on the task personally and calls in Hollywood’s best wardrobe and make-up artists to help him change his appearance to that of an orthodox Jew. With the transformation complete he calls Kissinger back to ask him for a few Yiddish phrases.
At 6.00 a.m. Bush arrives in New York’s Orthodox Jewish quarter and dispenses will all his aides and security. He walks the streets until he finds a Strictly Kosher Deli serving early morning breakfast.
He enters looking exactly like all the other diners he buys a black coffee and starts to mingle. Eventually he turns to one of his kin and says “Vus Muxda?”.
The elderly Orthodox Jew replies,
“George Bush is in town!”
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Have we not,” he asked “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”
“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the world-class golfer.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope. “Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”