Happy Christmas to all. As we all know on 25th December Christianity commemorate the birth of Jesus. Our team has collected a huge collection of Christmas Jokes for our valuable users to keep them smiling on this great occassion, You can use these Jokes as Christmas SMS also to wish your loved once via text messages. Enjoy your stay here and have fun!

Dear Manager,

Thank you for your letter of April 25th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Interviewee

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…
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My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
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Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
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Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
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Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
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If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
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You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you. _____________________________________________________________

We call our boss caterpillar.
He got where he is by crawling.

Boss: (to employee) – Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.

Employee: Who’s there?

Boss: Not you anymore.

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him.

“How bad is it?“ the doctor asks.

“I have no idea“, says the husband.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss.“

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: “What are we having for dinner?“

No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her …

“What`s for dinner?“

She turns around, looks at him and says “For the FOURTH time … BEEF STEW!“

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea”, said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!” Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.”Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!”

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin “Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!” “Amen,” replied the congregation.

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true”, the woman wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so.” The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”

What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian?

Only the first one can make you smile.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

“I don‘t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.“

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”